I'm becoming obsessed with it.
I can't stop thinking about it.
I fantasize about it.
It's getting harder not to talk or write about because I'm thinking about it so much. I've been trying so hard to not talk about it, but it's probably my best kept secret. Something I've never been honest about...ever.
I want to declare my realizations. I want to tell you how peaceful it feels. How spiritual it feels.
I keep waiting.
Waiting until it's right. Waiting to be ready. I'm getting closer--I can feel it. I don't think about it in fear, but in hope.
The thing keeping me is others. I want to do for others. I want to improve their lives.
It makes me feel like it will never happen...because I'm thinking of them.
But I keep waiting until I'm ready to let go of that.
And I will stay that way until I find something better to live for, and if I do find that something it will do no more than provide a hiatus until the next round of planning...hoping...
All the while no one will ever know a thing.