Some updating for you all . . . .

I'm unsure as to who's still around on this thing, I'm just as guilty about lurking in my own comm, though, so no worries about lurkers.

Things in my life have reached a weird plateau.

I last posted that I missed Missouri, and the stuff I missed the most down there. It's coming up on two years now, in just a few months, and I can honestly say I am still very sad about DM and Magpie, but I am so past my "life mate," I don't have anything but strength from that anymore.

Struggle is our nourishment for strength. - Kris Dommin.

He's fuckin' right.

I'm in my own place, I still have my dog - that's her in the pic with me - and I'm living a quieter life now that I'm not around asshats anymore. Drama-free. I am within walking distance from everything I need - stores, library, counseling office, etc.

things are on the up, and i aim to keep the b/s out of my life. this time.
  • Current Music
    "Dark Holiday" - Dommin
Dreamer, Usagi

New Member Introduction

Hello everyone, my name is Kara and I'm 21 years old... I live in Orlando, Florida and I am currently attending the University of Central Florida and I am a Senior. Here is my story and why  I'm here:

On September 26, 2010, I was in a car accident with my mother on Interstate-4 driving Westbound towards Tampa, FL. We were hit by a man heading Eastbound in the Westbound lanes. He had a head on collision with a pick-up truck going 70MPH, which both my mother and I saw. My mom veered into the shoulder and we were hit on the drivers side by the guy going the wrong direction. The impact caused us to roll 2.5 times. My mother died instantly from a blunt impact to the head causing a brain laceration. The guy going the wrong way died as well-- we still do not know if he was drunk, high, or sick... we'll find out in the final police report though. He also did not have insurance, so he should not have been driving in the first place. 

When we landed, I kept screaming "Mommy, Mommy, Mommy," and realized that we were upside down. I also had my moms dog in my lap (Chloe). She was scurrying around so I pushed her out of the car, worried the car was on fire. Then I worried about myself. I glanced outside of the window and saw that people had already gotten out of their cars and were wandering around. I screamed for help and stuck my hand out of the broken window and someone came immediately to help me. They unattached my seat belt and I crawled out of the car and ran around in circles calling for Chloe and saying that my mom wasn't responding to me. Someone had already dialed 9-11 at the point but I was still terrified that my mom was dead.  I kept looking for Chloe and someone found her and told me she was hit by a car-- I felt (and still feel) terrible about pushing her out of the car. I saved her life by crouching over her when we rolled, and she died because of my shoving her out of the window when we landed. Eventually, when the paramedics came, I ran over to where my mom was and she was partially ejected from the car. I saw her lying there, dead facing the ground. I didn't see any blood or what her face looked like, but the coroner later told use she was unidentifiable. At that time, I was not officially told that she was dead... but something inside me knew. A piece of me felt lost as soon as we landed.

I was transported to the emergency room at Tampa General Hospital and was left in a room by myself for about an hour. I still had not found out about my mother and her condition. Eventually, the doctor came in and read off of my chart: "driver died at scene," and quickly walked out of the room and left me there... alone. About 45 minutes later, my brother came in and stayed with me while I got my stitches. Shortly after an officer came in and told us officially that my mom had died. He gave us Chloe's leash and tags and my mothers purse.

I have returned to school at UCF, and I'm not motivated to do anything. I'm trying, but I'm not jumping right back in like I normally would. I have started grief/ trauma counseling and was advised to blog/journal about my grief and pain. It has been helping so far, but I find it easier to get advice/support from strangers, instead of  friends. Friends tell you what they think is best because they know you but, they don't know the experience.

Sometimes I rant when I'm trying not to, so I hope this makes sense. Here is a link to an article about the accident:

Some info is wrong. My mom was 57 and Mr. Muniz was 51.

New Member Intro

Name: I don't feel entirely comfortable saying my actual name, but I go by a nickname: Lepetke. It means butterfly.

Age: 15

Location: Illinois, United States of America

Gender: Female

General Reason for Being Here: I was sexually abused by my father throughout most of my childhood. It started when I was two years old, until I was thirteen. Because of this, it's hard for me to open up to anyone, especially males. I find myself tensing up when an older male even walks down the hallway at school. I understand that it isn't fair to judge men as dangerous people, but when I see them, my instincts tell me I need to constantly be on the defensive. I also am very uncomfortable at any sort of physical contact because of the childhood rape. I even find it hard to shake hands with people in church, or hug friends. I've never even kissed a boy. I sometimes get flashbacks of it, and it gives me anxiety attacks where I can't breathe and my heart starts racing, and I eventually pass out. 

My mom and dad divorced when I was a year old. The actual divorce doesn't bother me; all I've ever known is single parents. What does bother me about it though were the constant mind games my father tried playing on me in order to get me on "his side." He would always try to convince me that my mother was this evil woman who was out to get everyone and didn't care about anyone but herself. My mother also said things along these lines about him, but I know from personal experience that it's all true, about him.

Everything that happened has made me very self-sufficient, a trait I am proud of for not having to rely on others in life, but it has me afraid for my future. With my uneasiness with physical contact, of virtually any kind, finding love when I'm older is going to be difficult. Not to mention that if I did, I would have no idea what to do, since I've never had an example set up of how a proper family works. I'm afraid that when I'm older I'm either going to end up alone, or with a broken family and children like me.

And then when I think about one of these things, my brain starts this cycle to where it panics over the rest, and it all just spirals downwards and I have an anxiety attack, and pass out.

The final reason for being here is that even though it feels like I'm alone in all of this, and that there's no one I can talk to about it, there are people here who know what I am going through, and together we can overcome it.

How have you come to cope with it?: Overall, I haven't yet. There was no one that I felt I could open up to like this before, so I guess you could say that this community will hopefully help me cope with things, and understand my feelings better. 

One thing that helped a little has been a club at my school, PRISM. It's not a club that is for these types of things, and no one there except my two best friends knows my situation. It's a Gay-Straight Alliance club; I am straight and I support gays, but to me this club means being yourself and not letting people bring you down, that you and you alone are in charge of your life, and the people there and the stories they share are inspiring. 

Another thing that doesn't really help the situation, but I've subconsciously done in response (I consider it my minds way of coping, even though it really doesn't help) to everything is that I drab myself down a little when going to any public place, so men won't feel sexually attracted to me, so I don't have to deal with any anxiety. Like for instance, when I go to school or out with friends, I wear typical jeans and a shirt, sometimes a nice shirt and sometimes a tee-shirt, no make-up, never do anything to my hair besides comb and sometimes straighten it, etc. so that guys will not be attracted to me, but when I'm home, I wear dresses and make myself look and feel pretty, for my own benefit and satisfaction.

Another of my mind's way of coping is to be very self-reliant. I hardly ever ask for help with anything. I keep problems to myself, and deal with everything on my own. I'm open to talking/ hanging out with friends, but when it comes to having any problems I seclude myself from anyone else and deal with it by myself. However, I've become tired of doing this so I'm trying to change that, my first step being getting help here.

I put up a strong face to my peers so I am perceived as a strong person, and in some ways, I believe I am strong. I just wish I could fully put everything behind me, like how I act I do. 

One more thing, it's kind of silly, but I've found a role model in a character in a manga that I'm reading. The character went through struggles throughout her life; different than mine but also terrible. What inspires me is her strong will and her determination to rise above all her struggles and become stronger so that they don't bother her. It's very uplifting for me.

Specific Triggers?: Physical contact is a big one for me. I break down when someone touches me. People very close to me are an exception, like my mother, brother, and some friends, but other than that I'll likely have an anxiety attack.  Another is flirting. When people flirt with me I go into that defensive mode again and lock up. I automatically assume in the back of my mind, this man is going to hurt me. Hearing other people's stories has a big impact on me.

I still do have to see my father sometimes; apparently there's some law that I have to see him until I turn eighteen. Right now he's working in Afghanistan, in the war.  Really, my whole family breathes a sigh of relief when he goes on extended leave like this, my mother even goes as far to say that she hopes he doesn't come back. When he is back home, I have to see him once a week, and while it's supposed to be from six until nine, it's usually earlier than that, but much to my relief he drops me off back home within an hour or two. Nothing happens anymore, I'm not exactly sure why, either, but just seeing his face makes me scared, angry, and hateful all at the same time. But I suck it up and deal with it for an hour, and then go home. I often have panic attacks after he drops me off.
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    accomplished accomplished

(no subject)

I'm becoming obsessed with it.
I can't stop thinking about it.
I fantasize about it.
It's getting harder not to talk or write about because I'm thinking about it so much. I've been trying so hard to not talk about it, but it's probably my best kept secret. Something I've never been honest about...ever.
I want to declare my realizations. I want to tell you how peaceful it feels. How spiritual it feels.
I keep waiting.
Waiting until it's right. Waiting to be ready. I'm getting closer--I can feel it. I don't think about it in fear, but in hope.
The thing keeping me is others. I want to do for others. I want to improve their lives.
It makes me feel like it will never happen...because I'm thinking of them.
But I keep waiting until I'm ready to let go of that.

And I will stay that way until I find something better to live for, and if I do find that something it will do no more than provide a hiatus until the next round of planning...hoping...

All the while no one will ever know a thing.
painting, abstract

Masochism (May contain triggering content)

I am currently in a relationship with someone who calls themselves a Masochist. We shall call him Jay. Alright...well...we have only been seeing each other for about a month, so I am not completely in tune with his behaviors or his history and many things I am afraid or shy to ask about.

He enjoys pain. A few of the friends he has had for a long time insist that he get help. I'm not sure if it's a "you're a freak, you need a shrink" or a "We love you and worry about you and you need help" sort of thing. He used to cut and burn himself but says he has not done it in a long time. I also used to cut and burn, but in my case cutting was a reflection of psychological problems and depression and I didn't go to a very extreme extent. He tells me that he is happy and that inflicting pain on himself or by someone else is strictly pleasurable and is not a reflection of emotional pain.

However, I can see the pain behind his smile at times and when he's drunk or half sleeping, he will become extremely emotional and will cry on me and all I can do is hold him and comfort him.

The next section is under a cut because it is contains sexual content:

Collapse )I care very much for Jay.  I am falling very hard, very quickly....and it's very very scary.  I want what is best for him, but I also want to be open minded and supportive.  I don't want to encourage behavior.  I feel like if I really cared about him, I wouldn't help him inflict pain to himself...but I don't want to deprive him of something pleasurable if it is really not harmful, just different and misunderstood.

Please Please Please Please help.

My Intro

Name:  Ellie
Age:  21
Location:  Asheville, NC (USA)
Gender: Female
General reason for being here (not to be rude, but we have to know what specifically we're dealing with in order to be able to help you properly! ~smile~): To try and open myself up to people and learn to trust, since I was raised in an alcoholic household and taught to distrust everyone around me
How long have you been facing this problem?:  I just recently started really trying to work through the issues I had with my mom (she died five years ago)...I've dealt with distrust of others for about 13 years now...ever since she began drinking.
How have you come to cope with it?: I don't really cope with it yet...I'm here to learn how. Mostly I just became overly self-reliant, unwilling to believe that people were actually able to do what they said they could.
Specific triggers?: They vary from day to day.  Someone accusing me of lying is always an automatic one, someone telling me 'no' to doing something with me, and when people try to force me to do things I don't want to do...all of my triggers are caused by something someone else does...very human triggers I suppose.

Im new...

Hi, I'm new to this community. I won't divulge my name since I would like to keep myself anonymous. I hope nobody is offended with my choice. I'll share something later on but I guess I should start by letting people know that I exist...

For future reference, I am a slasher... and trying to recover from it. I have.. attempted to end my life, it's good that I failed since I was able to see that life is worthwhile even with all the crap being flung at me.. and I am an alcoholic... self explanatory really... that's me... and i hope you guys accept me in this community because i really need a place to vent out somehow...

3 years

Today is 3 years since the last time that I self injured! - WOW!!

That is all I can say, perhaps a reflective piece to follow once I can get my head around this.

I never thought I would be where I am now, all I can think is WOW!
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